Blues and Blahs 2019

Here we are again in the long and cold New York winter.  Trying to make the best of the tail end of winter and suffering from the February Blues or ‘Blahs’. It’s the time of year when we’ve had enough of hibernating inside away from the cold and often dreary outdoors, short days and lack of sunshine.  The gloomy days of February are mirrored in my life as the month brings me much sadness, anxiety, low energy and zero motivation.  This year February brings even more sadness as I remember February 19, 2003.  You see the 19th is my Fathers birthday.  I can remember that day stopping by to see my Dad to have some birthday dinner with him with my 11 month old baby Johnny.  On the next day February 20, 2003 we lost my Mom suddenly.  My eternally youthful mother.  For years and years the birthday card she gave him sat a top of the very large 1999 projection screen TV in the den on Maple Street.  She was pulled off this earth in an instant and on June 21, 2018 so was Dad.  At age 42 I was left an orphan and February is even darker than before.

Coupled with the normal anxiety the month, I have been dealing with the after effects of MRSA that hospitalized me on and off for three months this fall.  This infection took a heavy toll on me and left pretty deep scars, physically and emotionally.  Not being in control of what is going on with your body… nothing makes you feel more helpless.  Most nights are sleepless for me.  Crippled with the terrible anxiety that the infection will return for the THIRD time. 

The snow is old, it’s cold, I mourn my Mother all over again and now my Father.  It’s the cruelest month.  But this year rather than hunkering down and waiting for the month to pass, I am trying to be present and remember the lessons this month and this past year may teach me.  So like a Mr. Punxatawney Phil the groundhog wherein we hope for the release of winter’s purgatory, I have not seen my shadow.

Yesterday the New York Yankees reported to Tampa for spring training.

The relief of spring and brighter days ahead is on the horizon.

Like an insult, I take February personally. Like an Italian, I take it to heart.