During the winter season, the trees, the grass, my garden all look so cold, lonely and depressing. People tend to stay inside, walks to the park are rare and it is so dark so early in the day. Even the ground below my feet seems to gain metaphoric qualities as I walk anywhere I constantly stumble along the uneven pavement. That dirty and sandy snow covered pavement. There is power outages, buried cars, thermal leg hair and thick socks that can’t fit into my boots. Sure there is hot chocolate but there is also flu viruses, dry skin and an increasing amount of daily laundry. It’s a feeling that I can only explain as my life being off balance. Often for me in the winter that cold world grabs a hold of me, a part of me feels like giving up my efforts for the search for light. Often because the open platform ahead just seems too impossible to reach. I know in my head that the cold dark days always bring light, I know that but on that cold February night in 2003 the light of my life walked a path to the other side. My beautiful Mother left this earth at the age of 50 and the cold dark days of February are now only a harsh reminder of my hatred for winter. Today as I write this that walk seems so parallel to what I am currently experiencing. Continuing on is currently feeling like a hopeless walk. Searching endlessly for the light I lay awake last night (due to Donald’s snoring) telling myself that I wasn’t giving up. Tonight I find it hard to imagine that this earth could ever look beautiful again.
There is a season approaching where the trees will be full of life, the flower buds will begin to grow on my beloved garden and the sun will be warm on my face. I know that, I keep telling myself it is on its way but as the day approaches and I am up on my computer unable to sleep it seems so far away. The days approaching the anniversary of my Mother’s passing are always the longest and anxiety filled hardest days. Once the day passes the fog seems to clear and the hope for that light is within my reach.
Thankfully I don’t have to walk down this uneven path alone. I have my beloved siblings that I could not live a day without. We were babies, at least in my eyes and now all Motherless, forced to continue experiencing life without our Mother. I have my children to share the stories with. Mine and Donald’s huge extended family that I am thankful for every single day of my life. I have the most dedicated friends that never let me walk alone. Then there is my best friend Donald John. Donald always is able to fix my problems with logical answers or with his tools. I knew he couldn’t fix this back then and he certainly can’t fix it now. Back then his hugs couldn’t make it get better and his encouragement could not help. Today with the painful acceptance of this new life those hugs and encouragement actually were and still are my saving grace.
I understand that life is not forever and the circle of life continues, just wish I could have gotten to ride that wave just a little longer with Mom by my side. When you have lost and overcome something as important as this you are a forever changed human.
I am going back to sleep now, I have no regrets I was a good daughter to my Mother. Someday’ s are better than others and today was a particularly rough day for me. For no reason in particular other than I longed for her voice and because Monday will be 14 years that I have not heard that voice. I keep hearing this song tonight in my head and they are some of the most quoted words of the Bible :
“For everything there is a season, and
a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up
what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a
time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to
refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.”
This sacred list represents all the seasons and the important matters of our lives. Some are happy times, others sad; some are productive while others seem wasteful; some inspire peace and others bring pain.
Tonight I allowed myself to feel the pain and to miss her. Tomorrow I will continue to laugh and love deeply like Janice would want me to. Tonight my gremlins surely made a commotion. But I won’t let that stop me, I will firmly stand looking for that light and in the end it will only allow me to shine brighter.
Janice Christine Vesloski Marvullo